17/4 12.33

at the tinge of pain, my mind flung itself into a spiral of panic. thoughts, initially steadied with belief and fastened by internal security; launched themselves into rapid darts. they pin-pointed and directed themselves at anything present. as they fled across my mind, positioning themselves at sly areas. their motives were concise; purposefully aimed at the feeble parts of my mind. calculated fears, insecurities, worries, simple thoughts; i imagined would come and go. but none were unexpected; i was only ever left waiting.

it wasn’t so much the actuality of the experience, the physical pain. but rather, the anticipation of it all. the misery, was sitting in faithful assumption; of it’s eventual arrival. a moment spent, was drenched in the unbearable weight of groundless thought. of course, it wasn’t unreasonable all of the time. there would always be reason for fear, always a space well carved, and made cozy. my mind would seldom (if ever) cease to dispense the thought that fear, was not here to stay.

so, i am trying to sit with it. to sit with fear, despite it’s claws piercing my flesh; deepening without thought or remorse. this is my attempt, at embracing this violence, not with warmth nor welcome; but simply space.  a space to be, and time; to ease.

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